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Can you love me even with my dark side?

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It starts in your fingers.
They grow numb and then your throat tightens
and it feels like your vocal chords will snap if you don't scream
and your airways clog and you can't breathe
and your chest starts to hurt but you can't massage it
since your fingers are so numb
and the pain becomes so overwhelming that your brain dulls
and you can't think, all you can do is feel
and feel and feel
until you can't feel anything at all
and that is how you drown without being in water.


How am I suppose to be tender with all of this blood in my mouth?

Tags:
Current Mood:
blank blank
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true loneliness
is not the result of an empty body
                              no
true loneliness
is the result of a full body;
a body that is about to explode
                             and when it does,
true loneliness
it what is felt when you realize you have
no one to pick up the pieces
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Current Location:
1336
Current Mood:
high high
Current Music:
clocks with dust - bear carver
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So, I'm in college now. I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. Since my last post, my baby brother, Charles Isaac Payne Martin or "Charlie" has been born. Also, Trace's brain tumor is back and he may have to go through chemo this coming November. Also, I currently have a bladder infection.

Right, so college. I'm taking four courses, already having dropped one. So far it isn't that hard. The most stressful part is trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life. I'm 18 and on my own. While the freedom is surprisingly beautiful, it's also an unexpected burden. I have no idea what my end goal is. Well in the career aspect. I know I love to write, so I'm thinking either a journalism or english major. Right now I'm just exploring. Actually, right now I should be reading this 20 page play, but yeah no thanks. I'm about to go look for Courtney's journal to see if livejournal deleted it. I really hope not. She rights of inspiring places, because she was once me. Maybe I'm just hoping that if she was able to find herself I will, too.

My "Remember who you are" tattoo is pretty ironic, huh?
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
Neko Case
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I don't know why I bother writing in this journal. It's not like anyone reads it or care about it, including me. Honestly, I forgot I had a livejournal for a while. Lately, though, it's been on my mind and I figured  should update it.
My senior year just began two weeks ago and I'm on the verge of sending out college applications. It's time consuming and awful. I can't even imagine how I'm going to be when my first answer comes in the mail. I know I will be a nervous wreck. The thought of college both excites me and scares me. I'm not ready to leave my parents' wings and face the world alone. I'm just not. But on the other hand, I can't wait to start over at a new place with new people. I can be whoever I want to be. That's a refreshing thought. Anyway, it's late and I have a game at Greenfield tomorrow. I was suppose to have one today at Pungo, but their lights wouldn't cut on...imagine. Oh well. Goodnight.
* * *
Mom gave birth to Lily on November 27, 2012 at 10:24 p.m. I love her dearly.
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Is an amazing series. I cannot wait for the movie. Ian Somerhalder should definitely play Christian. I don't know who should play Anna. That's a tough one.
Current Location:
moms
Current Mood:
creative creative
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Well, I finally found the time to get up here. I've been so busy with school, it's crazy! I'm not going to say much because there's not much to say. I'm just ready for a break.
Current Mood:
okay okay
Current Music:
Dark Days - The Punch Brothers
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By Amy Lee is beautiful. Listen to it.
Current Mood:
sleepy sleepy
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Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that will make it okay.
There's always some reason to not feel good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep through my veins.
Let me be empty.
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reveire.
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.

Current Mood:
relaxed relaxed
Current Music:
Dad ranting
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I'm not usually a clingy person. Quite the opposite, actually. But it's hard not to feel lonely when you spend your summer locked up on your house, alone all day. Landon has many other friends where I do not. I have maybe 3 friends aside from him. One is in Paris, one can't drive, and one spends all of her days with her boyfriend. The other girls on my volleyball team go out for lunch everyday after practice and spend practically every second together. I wish I had that. I HATE being in this house, constantly gaining weight, no matter how hard I try otherwise. I read and write and watch TV, but after about 3 months of this routine, it gets old. I keep nagging Landon about being with me during the days instead of the night and he keeps pointing out how I sound needy and clingy. Where I do see where he's coming from, I also wish he could understand my POV. It's simply not fair when I don't have many friends. I'm a likable person. I think the reason why a lot of people don't like me is because I come across as cocky and like a perfectionist. THIS IS NOT TRUE. I'm one of the most insecure people ever. I DO believe in going farther than this town and everyone knows that is my intention. I just think whenever I bring it up, people think I'm making it out to be "better than everyone else". Is it so much to ask that people get to know you before they judge you? Ha! Yes.

Anyway, I'm going to try and finish reading a book and maybe read some of my AP stuff. Sigh. Why oh why must I be such a bland person?
Current Location:
dad's office
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
Current Music:
TV downstairs
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